Skip to main content

Mid life crisis.. is it?

I am just back from a day trip to Mulshi - a scenic place near Pune. After returning from the UK, I spent most of my last 2 months at home recovering from the knee injury. The mood is a little upbeat.

But off late I have been observing a change in mood as the Sunday Sun moves westwards. An anxiety starts creeping in. Mostly to do with work. What is in store on Monday? Will tomorrow be painful? Is the Manager going to throw some new issue at me? Am I missing a deadline? Lot of such anxious thoughts that make my Sunday evening rather nervous. As I wake up on Monday morning, I am completely exhausted by these thoughts instead of being fresh from a weekend. I have been trying to analyse what this could be.

It appears that most of these thoughts crop up from a kind of insecurity or may be lack of confidence. I am scared of being pointed out as a loser, someone who did not perform. Or I fear I may be betraying my boss's expectations. There is always a struggle to be right - never to be wrong, never to be looked at as an idiot and most importantly to be trusted for commitment and sincerity. There is always somewhere a doubt that fingers may point at me today. Have I thought this through? Is this going to work the way I think it should? Do I know enough??!!

Enough, sufficiency, optimum are unquantifiable at the junction of life I am in. Do I earn enough? Am I responsible enough? Do I behave like a Manager or still a fresher? Should I be carefree or thoughtful and immaculate? Should I buy a bike and do road trips or be more sane and buy a house and settle down? I am not confident of the world at my workplace. It seems to be too strict to pardon a mistake. So I am scared. But is it really? Every decision I make, every mail I write, every conversation I have at work seems to decide whether I stay or I am thrown out. I keep thinking if 'this thing I am doing' could make me lose my job. And then the next thing I know is I am thinking of what I would do if I am not doing this? I start thinking of alternate careers, possible business ventures, where the money would come from and weired things like that. And all this does is takes the air out of my today.

I haven't been living in present since a long time. I am either deliberating on the past - should I have worked harder and become a doctor, should I not have quit Banking; Or I am deliberating on my future - should I start my own business or become a teacher, will I be able to move to Goa 5-6 years down the line, so on and so forth. Does it help me in anyway to make the decision now? Hell no! Last week I deliberately tried to keep these thoughts out of my mind. I have been quite successful. I am sure I will weed this out over a period of time.

Is this mid-life crisis? Whatever it is, I have observed that the best way to overcome this is to involve yourself in other activities. They could be any of your hobbies or simply socializing. I also avoid office talk as much as possible after work (and sometimes even at work)! I am also spending more time keeping in touch with friends and relatives, reading literary stuff - something that is not about business or statistics. I try to read Marathi books, poems, short stories and stuff that is pure pleasure. As of now this seems to be the right path...lets see where it takes me!

Labels:

Comments

Sumit Uprety said…
I have been having these feelings ever since Bando gave me a 'D' in POM in GIM. SO if u failed in POM, then blame it all on Bando :)Otherwise u are absolutely spot on on the reasons - me having the same feelings / depressions / concerns etc. for the last 6-7 months and like u I found a good solution in reading. I read mostly fiction (spy thrillers). To me, furioulsy reading & turning pages wondering whether the dashing spy / cop (the good guy) will find and beat the evil intentions of the bad guy is much better than thinkng about stuff like jobs, economy, recession etc. It may be escapist, but it works for me
2:02 pm
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

RSS - an answer to the caste discrimination

One of my old post on Rashtriya Swayamsewak Sangh drew a comment today. It posed a few question about the stand RSS takes on the issues of caste system in our contry. The reader also asked if RSS could be a possible solution. And this, my dear readers in the fuel for this post. Let me put forth some facts about the organisation called RSS right at the beginning. RSS is a social organisation. There is no formal registration and participation is completely voluntary. It is not a political, religious or profit making orgnisation. There are no posts, there are only responsibilities (in fact that what they are called). These facts make it clear that this is a place where entry and exit is pretty easy. There are no costs involved with either. Which means there is no-one who can tell you that he will get you registered with the RSS and do you a favour. RSS is for everyone. In my opinion it is a perfect place where caste ism cannot exist. There are no reservations for a certain community. T...
9 comments
Read more

The oscar for dilemmas

As I was travelling from Goa to Pune in a Bus, I overheard some conversation and could see a lot of dilemma on the face of a fellow passenger. As the story evolved, I could connect with him. Thus it went: They were a couple, he was with his fiance/wife/girlfriend (a non-ma/behen relationship). There was another girl (pretty) who wanted to a lady's seat. She could get it only if this gentleman would give up the company of his travel mate as there were no other female passengers on the bus. I have been through similar situation and have said no and felt guilty about it till the society at large did something equally unjust to me. But this incident in the bus the other day, sparked off some more such dilemmas that I have come across quite often. I thought of having a golden globe of dilemmas; put them on the blog and see which is the most common dilemma. First being the one above, the second dilemma that comes to my mind is of cheating in exams. No No. Me cheating is taboo enough! It ...
2 comments
Read more

|| Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh ||

What we are today is a function of our environment through our past. Our parents, teachers, relatives, neighbours are our key influencers. One such influencer in my life and in the life of millions in this country is Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh or the RSS. This organization established in 1925 has a very interesting history . Established with a aim of nation building, the initiative had no trace of fundamentalism in it. Started with a clear cut nationalistic view, and on time tested values of ‘simple living-high thinking’, the organization spread like a wild fire. Then happened, what was destined to, for an organization that was all-inclusive, had no political representation or was based on non-sensational issues (like religion, cast or region). What RSS is today (or is perceived to be) is certainly not what it was (or is) meant to be. I, as an individual, strongly believe in the RSS, its motives, its structure and its values. I feel being a part of the Sangha and consider myse...
4 comments
Read more